How Can Marriage Last a Lifetime?

Matthew 19:3-6 says, "Some Pharisees came to Jesus, testing Him and asking, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any reason at all?” And He answered and said, “Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said, ‘For this reason, a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Make no mistake; the enemy does not want marriages to last. He would have us believe that marriage is unnecessary and divorce is only a matter of time. Why is that? Why are marriages under attack? It's because there is so much power in marriage. God created marriage for a reason. There is a reason two people shall become one flesh and they should not separate. Marriage teaches us how to be better people and stronger Christians.

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In Matthew 22:37-39, Jesus tells us the two greatest commandments: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself." Marriage teaches us how to love another person as we love ourselves. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." God created the bond of marriage as a way to teach us how to love unconditionally; to love another as we love ourselves.

The second commandment Jesus gives us, love your neighbor as yourself, is dependent on the first commandment. We do not have the natural ability to love our neighbor as ourselves without loving God and receiving His love for us. Our nature tells us to be selfish and self-centered. That's why Paul says in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." Our nature and the enemy beg for us to be selfish but God calls us to a kind of love that's hard to fathom. Matthew 5:43-45 says "You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven." God's command to love our neighbor is not limited to those we like. Instead, He calls us to unconditionally love even those who have hurt us.

Marriage certainly isn't easy and we hurt each other at times, sometimes deeply. God calls us to love and forgive anyways. I was at a seminar recently and the speaker shared an interaction he had with his grandmother. He said he asked her how she managed to stay married for over 50 years until death parted them. Her response was so powerful; she said, "It was simple. I never left." Satan wants us to leave our marriages. He thrives on seeing broken people and broken families.

We can't let Satan win this battle. We must fight for our marriages and families. I pray that God will guide my words so that they will be valuable to you and make a difference in your marriage. I'm no expert. I haven't been married for long but I'd like to share with you what God has taught me over the years in regards to marriage.

I do want to say that this post is written from the perspective of a non-abusive relationship. I do not encourage anyone to stay in an unsafe situation. If you find yourself in an abusive relationship, please seek help as that is not what God intended for marriage and doesn't delight in seeing His children being hurt.

1 | God must be at the center of our marriages.

Marriage with God at the center is hard. Marriage without God is nearly impossible. There's an image I saw on Pinterest of a marriage triangle with God at the top and each spouse on either side. I couldn't find who created this image to give them proper credit but it's an amazing depiction of how a marriage with God at the center works. The closer each spouse is to God at the top of the triangle, the closer they are to each other. The reason God should be at the center of our marriages is simple; because He will fight for our marriage and for us. We can rest in God and trust that He will work things out.

There are three things we can do to ensure God stays at the center of our marriages:

1. We can encourage our spouses to be in God's word and encourage them to maintain a strong relationship with God always. We can't change our spouse, nor do we have a right to. But, God will speak to our spouses when they are going astray. God has the power to make the necessary changes in our spouse and in us.

2. We can lift our spouses and marriages up in prayer daily. If you haven't prayed for your marriage, your spouse or your family, I encourage you to start today. Prayer is the most powerful tool God has given us and I can guarantee it will do wonders in your life.

3. We can pray for God to reveal any blind-spots we may have, show us things from His perspective and help us be a better spouse. We should be open to correction from God regarding areas we still need to grow in.

Times where my husband and I have struggled to get on the same page, I prayed to God to speak to him instead of trying to explain my perspective. It's amazing how quickly God came into the conversation and helped change things around and get my husband and I on the same page.

2 | We must be selfless.

I love this quote by Rick Warren from the Purpose Driven Life, "humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." Marriage is where we truly practice the art of humility and selflessness.

Selflessness means putting your spouse's needs before your own. Joyce Meyer gave a wonderful talk once on how to deal with conflicting needs in a marriage. She showed a video of a husband and wife who wanted different things. The husband had just gotten home from work after a hard day and wanted to simply sit and watch T.V. On the other hand, the wife wanted to talk with him about something important. They agreed that he would watch TV to wind down a bit but after a certain amount of time, they would have a conversation. The time was up and the husband was not ready to stop watching TV but honored the commitment he made and turned it off. At that time, his wife comes in and says, "I know you're tired today. How about you relax today and we can talk tomorrow?" In response, her husband says, "why don't we talk over lunch? I'll take you to that restaurant you love." In this interaction, we can see how an act of kindness and compassion stirs up a kind and loving response in return. This is a perfect example of the Energizing Cylce from the book, Love & Respect by Dr. Eggerichs. I highly recommend reading Love & Respect to every married couple out there and explain why in my post "Three Books That Can Transform Any Marriage." Regardless of whether your marriage is struggling or not, I know these books would have a positive effect in your marriage.

Selflessness means letting go of what we want sometimes in favor of pleasing our spouse. Have you seen the movie The Break-Up with Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston? There's a scene at the beginning of the movie when they get into a fight because Gary (Vince Vaughn) doesn't do things that Brooke (Jennifer Aniston) likes to do, like go to the ballet. At the end of the movie, Gary realizes that it's not about doing the things you love but doing things with the person you love.

Selflessness can take many forms in a marriage. The important thing is to recognize our impulse to be selfish and choose to be selfless instead. We may not be perfect at this and marriage is definitely about give and take but if we focus on loving the other person instead of focusing on our wants being met, we can't go wrong.

3 | We must focus on ourselves.

This might seem contradictory. Be selfless and focus on yourself? It's not. So often when we are unhappy in our marriages it's because we are focused on what our marriages are missing, what our spouses aren't doing or what characteristics they are lacking. Instead, we should shift our focus to what we could do differently rather than what our spouses could do differently. We should try to think about the positive elements our spouse brings into the marriage. But, this is the hard part; we must admit our failures and how we've contributed to the state our marriages are in. As tough as it can be to admit, it always takes two to tango. If we are humble, we will find actions we've taken that played a role in our current situations at least in part. Once we take responsibility for our actions and mistakes, we're able to get a better perspective on our marriage. Perspective helps us be more humble and forgiving because we realize that we are imperfect beings who are still deserving of unconditional love - just like our spouses.

If you have an hour, I highly recommend watching or listening to this marriage sermon by Joyce Meyer.

God shares with us the secrets of a lasting marriage in His word. We must show our spouse unconditional love. A happy marriage can give us unfathomable joy and strength to stand against the enemy. Satan uses our innate selfishness to create division in marriage because he knows that a happy marriage is incredibly powerful. Strong couples who cling tightly to God's word can do anything that God calls them to and that terrifies the enemy. No one can say that marriage is easy but with God we can rest assured that our marriages will last a lifetime. As I said before, I'm no expert but I have faith that as long as we keep God at the center of our lives and do our part, we will be good. I pray that God bless us all, our spouses and our marriages.