How to Express Anger Healthily
Updated: Oct 25, 2023
Jesus Cleanses the Temple
Then Jesus entered the temple and drove out all who were selling and buying in the temple, and he overturned the tables of the money-changers and the seats of those who sold doves. He said to them, “It is written, ‘My house shall be called a house of prayer’; but you are making it a den of robbers.” - Matthew 21:12-13
Anger. It's a word that has such an ugly connotation. Anger is often associated with yelling, hurtful words, and violence but, it's one of the most basic human emotions. When I was in college, I took a fascinating Social Psychology class in which I learned about Paul Ekman. An article in Psychology Today states that "Paul Ekman identified six basic emotions (anger, disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, and surprise)." I remember learning that even babies who are born blind still display the same facial expressions as seeing babies. This proves that certain emotions are not learned but innate and they exist for a reason.
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In her book, "The Dance of Anger," Dr. Harriet Lerner explains that "anger is a signal and one worth listening to. Our anger may be a message that we are being hurt, that our rights are being violated, that our needs and wants are not being adequately met, or simply that something is not right." She explains that we feel angry when one of our boundaries has been crossed whether we know these boundaries exist or not. Even Jesus was angry with the money-changers at the temple. His anger, too, signaled that something was not right.
The Bible also warns us against anger though. While anger is a natural emotion it's how we choose to communicate it that defines our character. Proverbs 15:1 says, "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." When we are angry, we must learn to breathe and give a gentle response. Dr. Lerner teaches us how to change the patterns in our relationships by changing how we respond to people and situations that arouse anger for us. Dr. Harriet Lerner "is one of our nation's most loved and respected relationship experts" and is "renowned for her work on the psychology of women and family relationships" (The Dance of Anger). As a psychologist and speaker, she has heard many stories and she shares them with us (with their permission, of course!) to help us understand how we all engage in similar patterns.
In one of the chapters, she shares the stories of a few couples who are engaged in what she calls the Circular Dance. These stories are very similar to the Crazy Cycle mentioned in "Love & Respect" which I talk about in my post about transforming marriages. In both books, these circular or cyclical conversations are explained as disagreements in which couples go back and forth until it becomes a full-blown fight. She shares with us the example of a wife who is concerned about the development of their child. The wife anxiously relays her fears to her husband who simply states that "babies develop at different times" and told her there was nothing to worry about. The wife perceived this as an attempt to silence her and proceeded to repeat what she had read and tried to convince her husband that they should be concerned. He, in turn, insisted that everything was fine and she was blowing it out of proportion. And so it would go, back and forth until they would ultimately "point the finger at each other for starting it." If that isn't the Crazy Cycle in full swing, I don't what is!
Dr. Lerner writes "even rats in a maze learn to vary their behavior if they keep hitting a dead end. Why in the world, then, do we behave less intelligently that laboratory animals?" There's actually a very simple answer to this question. She explains that "repeating the same old fights protects us from the anxieties we are bound to experience when we make a change." In other words, we must have the courage to change if we desire to break the patterns in our relationships. While we can't force anyone to change, we can choose to change our behavior. It's all in how we respond in a moment of anger to clearly express our needs or boundaries while being respectful of the person.
In another example, Dr. Lerner tells us of a woman, Kathy, and her elderly father. In this case, the father was of moderate health and while he could do many things for himself, he relied heavily on his daughter to do even the simplest of tasks. To make matters worse, he'd complain about how things were done. His daughter was frustrated because she felt he expected her to drop everything whenever he called. Dr. Lerner explains that Kathy, like most of us, was blaming her father for their situation. She also "put her father in a box", figuratively speaking, meaning she stated that he was selfish and determined that was the only truth. In her mind, it would not be possible for him to behave any other way. What Kathy failed to recognize was she was the one faced with a problem, not her dad. The minute she shifted the conversation from blaming her dad to explaining her problem to her dad, things changed.
When we don't express our anger well, we figuratively ball up our fists. We shut people out and hold our negative emotions in. Practicing these new skills is like opening up our hands and reaching out to our loved ones instead. Going from anger (clenched fist) to peace (open palm) is as simple as counting on your fingers.
Thumbs Up - Understand your boundaries.
Pointer Finger - Don't place blame on the other person.
Middle Finger - Don't use harsh or hurtful words.
Ring Finger - Commit to expressing only the problem you're facing and your new boundaries (the solution).
Pinky Finger - Promise to be honest about your boundaries with yourself and others always.
In Kathy's case, she simply stated that she was struggling to manage everything on her plate and explained what her new limits would be without placing blame on her father or being hurtful. We can expect to be confronted with resistance to the change we are implementing because people like the comfort of the known even if it's not enjoyable. But, rest assured, they will come around eventually as they get used to the new norm.
Women sometimes find having this type of conversation difficult. Dr. Lerner explains that "women have long been discouraged from the awareness and forthright expression of anger. Sugar and spice are the ingredients from which we are made" and "women who openly express anger at men are especially suspect" (The Dance of Anger). If you struggle to communicate your boundaries and emotions to those you love, I highly recommend this book! It has many eye-opening and life-changing insights. Whether you tend to express anger in a hurtful manner or you tend to suppress your anger altogether, this book is jam-packed with powerful tools to transform the patterns of intimate relationships. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!
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